You don't even want to know
by felinefairy91
Summary: Hello pplz! This is a story where you don't even WANT to read but if you're really that curious then be my guest, but don't say that I didn't warn you! LOTR HP
1. Maybe being gay isn't so bad after all

A/N I know that this is my second story in which everybody is OOC and is a really random story. I'm sorry if you like these characters and I know I'm going to get a lot of flamers for this story but what the heck! I doubt that anyone's reading this story anyway:-P Oh well...You asked for it...

DA STORY

One day, Frodo went to town and ate a very tasty tasty hamby. Suddenly, his scar started hurting! The possibilities were that A) Voldemort was either near him or B) Snape was having an affair with Hermione Granger!

Later on, he decided to say "moo" while dancing to "Toxic." He then grabbed an apple pie and went off to find the muffin man so he could splat it in his face. Finally, he remembered his friend Hermione and decided to visit her and say, "num num num num Potato!" But when he got there, his suspicions were confirmed: Snape was having an affair with Miss Granger! 'Well,' Frodo thought to himself. 'I suppose that this is a good way of killing off Ron since he had a huge crush on Hermione.' He, on the other hand, was really jealous, for he had a big crush on Snape! Frodo thought Snape was SMOKIN' HOT!

Just then, he realized his horrible mistake! Snape didn't look very "hot" anymore, so his affections turned into something like melting cheese; his new lover was now the prance- in pants, Legolas!

So he went to Legolas's house to propose and present his rubber ducky collection and an diamond engagement ring! He had gotten a special offer on the ring…it was made out of cheese! But when he got there, he was sad once again when he found Legolas making out with Gollum!

Out of frustration, Frodo pulled out the cheese ring and ate it with nachos! He got bits of diamond stuck in his teeth, which he decided to save for an emergency. Then, out of the blue, he smelt something burning... "Oh no!" Frodo gasped out in realization. "My cookies!"

Frodo ran as fast as he could back to his house so that he could save his scrumptious cookies! But sadly, he found them burnt to bits.

So, he gave up baking and decided to join the cheerleaders! They said he was REALLY GOOD but his legs were WAY TOO HAIRY!

'What now?' the annoyed Hobbit thought. He wondered for a lone time, and then- "I know! Frodo said out-loud. "I can go make out with Gandalf instead!" So he sauntered away with cherry-flavored lip-gloss on.

Again, when he arrived, he howled in frustration. Gandalf had already found his true love...The Mayor of Townsville! With this gross thought in his mind about what he saw, he went to look for Shrek. Sadly, Shrek too, was occupied. So he went through blistering deserts and cold mountaintops and he finally decided NOT to be gay. His true love was surely Fiona. He climbed the highest tower in the dragon guarded castle and what did he find? Some gender- confused warthog named Pumba, and a furry thing named Timon?

He sighed and then winked at Pumba and thought, 'Maybe being gay isn't that bad after all!'

A/N Hello! I know what you're thinking. 'Who the heck would write such a stupid story on fanfic!' I know, I share your thoughts. But if you would like to review, then you may and flamers are acceptable!


	2. Catfighting, Daniel Radcliffe, Nicole Ki...

A/N: Chapter TWO! (I know it wasn't necessary, but heck why not?)

Frodo went off to the burrow so he could introduce his soon to be wife Pumba to his unky Bilbo. When Frodo went inside his house and into the living room, there wasn't much space so he sat on Pumba! Suddenly, Emma Watson bursts in to the scene. "Daniel Radcliffe's mine!" Sarah, Nura, and Saleha also burst in. "He's mine!" they all said in unison. They all started cat-fighting and calling each other rude names.

Bilbo finally says after a half an hour, "Yo my peeps, please do this somewhere else. We in da middle of sumting here." They all look at him confused and then nod their head like idiots, link hands, and start skipping. But then they remember Daniel Radcliffe and start fighting again. Suddenly, Daniel Radcliffe comes when they're all were pooped on the ground with many black eyes and missing hair. "I'm sorry all of you! But I truly love Nicole Kidman!" He leaves and cries like a little girl. (Which the girls find strangely attractive.)"So…" Starts the one named Sarah. "Wanna go kick Nicole Kidman's butt?" They all agree and set out to find her.

Meanwhile, in Moulin Rouge…(song "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend comes up) Nicole Kidman, on her trapeze, sings, "The French are glad to, die-" "There's the fag!" "Yeah, let's get her!" "The French aren't dying lady! You are!" Lots of commotion and fighting. In the end Nicole Kidman is dead.

"NOOOOOO!" Daniel Radcliffe comes crying his eyes out. After a while, he says, "Oh well… always have backup!" he says cheerily! "Tommie!" he snaps his fingers.

Tom Felton enters. "Yes Dannie?"

"I can go out with you now!"

"Yay!" Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Felton leave the scene hand in hand. Leaving behind girls that later go to insane asylums.

ahem now back to our REAL scene.

Bilbo looked at the happy couple (Pumba and Frodo). He was disgusted at his nephew because he thought Frodo could have gotten a more handsome guy than a warthog. But then again, Bilbo always had a soft spot for Pumba, so he winked at him. Pumba, witnessing this, let out a nervous giggle and inched backwards. Frodo smiled sheepishly. "That's cool, Uncle Bilbo! Do it again!" Replay Action Bilbo winked at Pumba again and Elijah-I mean Frodo clapped his hands. "I feel a song coming on! …men on a dead man's chest, yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!" and then he got another inspiration. "Stacey's mom! Has got it going on!" Then the song ended and the scene was attacked by pirates led by…the gingerbread man?

"Yes! It is me! Le gingerbread man-" said the gingerbread man!

"Say, what up with the "le"?" asked Pumba. "Well I went to France and some peeps influenced me-but that is not the point." He replied.

Pumba seemed to be attracted to the gingerbread man, so he began to stare at him admiringly.

"Uh…come this way Pumba, I'll show you around!" said Frodo, trying to get Pumba away from the odd gingerbread guy. But then, Frodo then smiled a shy smile at the gingerbread man, having a bit of a crush on him too!

"Wow! I sure do have a screwed up nephew!" said Bilbo, being able to tell that Frodo also like the gingerbread man.

The gingerbread man, noticing Frodo and Pumba's actions, got pretty scared. He ran out of the house screaming, "Tinkerbell! Help me! It's happening again! Why did you leave me? You know I love you!"

Pumba, hearing this, jumped out of the closet he and Frodo were making out in and screamed, "Noooooo! Come back!" He then ran after him and out of the house.

Frodo came out also, confused. But then realized from his little peanut brain of what happened. "sniff sniff but-but I thought we-" but then he also noticed a little late from his peanut brain that Pumba was gone. "I'm so depressed!" Frodo said exasperated. "I'm going to go cut myself!" He leaves. When he got into his room, he saw his uncle and Gandalf the White waiting for him, and Frodo felt a weird surge of love toward Gandalf, although he never felt it before. But the problem was, Bilbo and Gandalf were there far a reason, to tell Frodo they were getting married.

A/N: And the plot thickens! (Huh, plot? What plot?)


End file.
